My first day kid free

Today was my very first day kid free.
I have 24 hours to do anything I want, for two very long months.

I could sleep in if I wanted to, which I did.
Instead of waking up to four screaming kids at 6 am, I was sleeping in till 9am.
Did it feel good?
Heck yeah, but it was a brief feeling.
Then I woke up and walked into my babies’ room to change diapers, only to find their empty beds.

There were no smiling faces to greet me at their bedroom door, no squeals of excitement, and especially no pitter patter of feet on our hardwood floors.

Being a single mom raising your children alone is hard, no doubt about it, but having to share your children is even harder. Not seeing my children whenever I want, breaks my heart. I know they need time with their father but not being able to hold them whenever I want sucks.

Yes, they are stressful. There are days when I repeat the same phrase 10 or 20 times in a row. There is sibling rivalry all hours of the day, they fight over toys, papers, my clothes, and pretty much anything they can get their hands on. But not having them here fighting, laughing, stressing me out, and making me laugh is worse than any amount of headaches they can bring by being here.

I went shopping for a blouse for my job interview, and I had no idea what to do with my hands. I don’t know how to be in a store without my children. I have no stroller to push, no preschoolers trying to run off into the clothing racks, and no toddlers grabbing things and putting it into their stroller. I walk through revolving doors and I think to myself, “Oh I can go through those. I don’t have a stroller and my four kids..” I fill my fridge with food from the store and at the end of the day it’s all still there. I clean my house and it actually stays clean, and you know what? It makes me sick to look at my house so “perfect.” I feel like emptying a toy bin on my floor, just so I can feel like they’re still here.

Eventually the days will go by faster. I’ll call them everyday and video chat with them, and hopefully the summer will go on by. Soon I’ll be welcoming my babies home, until the next time they have to go away to spend time with their father. But for the time being I will be home twiddling my thumbs, wishing they were here.